Nowadays, Facebook is one of the most popular places to manage one’s communications. There are people who send messages, images, files, and make calls almost exclusively on Facebook. However, my stance on it might be different than that of most people: I only use Facebook to spread the word about FasterEFT and my practice and to communicate with the FasterEFT community through Facebook groups. The reason is that I advocate the use of free and open source software as I see it clearly superior to closed source and proprietary software from the point of view of personal and technological advancement and freedom. So, for any other tasks, I use alternatives such as Matrix, Diaspora* and email.

Having said that, I think social media by themselves can be useful in certain situations. They’re great tools to discover like-minded people, reconnect with former classmates and old friends, find news you’re interested in and share it with others, and to send text-based messages when meeting in person or making a phone call is not possible (e.g. they are on an trip abroad) or expressing yourself in a few words is more practical (e.g. when all you want is to let others know that you’ll be a few minutes late from an event). You can do all this quickly and easily, not matter how far they are from you.

However, the extensive use of social media can also cause various problems. For example, you may be someone who feel compelled to check your messages and notifications so often that it distracts you from doing other, important things. You may feel like after you’ve been talking to your loved ones using text only, there’s nothing to talk about when you finally meet in person. And you may feel lonely even though you have hundreds of online friends you interact with regularly. In this post, I’m going to suggest a few tips on how you can resolve these problems.

Addiction to social media

There are many people who are logged in all day long and check their messages and notifications immediately their phone or computer bleeps. This is a great way to disturb yourself and others while talking to your loved ones, studying, or working. (I’ve seen quite a few recordings of interviews on YouTube before, where I could hear that certain notification sound coming from the interviewer’s device.) This may be caused by several different possible reasons. One of them is the fear that “if I don’t react to their messages right away, they might feel rejected and/or think bad things about me”. If this is the case, you’re the one who has issues around rejection and you’re the one who is projecting what’s inside you onto them. (After all, you can’t feel other people’s feelings.) You may also be afraid that you’ll miss out on something. If you’re addicted to social media (meaning you can’t control how much you use them), the chances are you’ve already have been missing out on other things! And last, but not least, this addiction may come from the desire of having the presence of someone you can connect with emotionally.

Is being social really social?

Social media at first sight might seem to bring people across the globe closer to you. But how close can they become this way, really? I mean, just think about having a conversation with an individual in person. You can notice that other person’s facial expressions, body postures, gestures, tone of voice, volume, speed, touch etc., all of which can carry vital information. When your communication is limited to IMs, status updates, or tweets, you lose all of these. This way, it’s virtually impossible to really get to know with new people or to get a full picture of what others are thinking, feeling etc..

As I wrote above, there are times when interacting with them through text-based messages is more practical; but when it completely replaces verbal communication in the long run, it actually puts a great emotional distance between the two of you (if physical distance wasn’t enough). There are people for who a single touch (e.g. a hug) that lasts for a few seconds means more than chatting on the Internet for hours. So, whether it’s about communication with new people or ones you already know, maybe it feels safer to keep your distance from them by the sole use of text. After all, they’ll have less chance to judge you about how you look or speak and you also have a lot more time to think about what you want to say, to mention a few examples.

Resorting to text is not the only way to restrict self-expression. There are a lot of people who keep updating their statuses with photos about what they’ve been doing recently several times a day. Some share party photos, photos of themselves randomly while at home (as “selfies”), and photos of the dish they are about to eat. These updates can reach most, if not all, of their online friends. (In the case of Facebook, it’s hard to tell because thanks to its filter bubble, it decides what should be shown on your newsfeed, not you.) As mentioned in the video with the title “Delete Facebook”, the problem is when you keep making such posts just for the sake of feeling like you’ve drawn attention to you and now you’re famous (at least for a few minutes or hours, that is), or because you want them to think good things about you (like, “hey, this person looks so happy, so he/she must have a great life”). After a while, those photos may become masks that you’re wearing while you’re in public, which hide who you really are. But if you want to have deeper, more valuable relationships, those masks become a barrier.

Back irl

In my opinion, if you want to really know someone and have the best kind of conversations with him/her, do it in person. Or, if it’s not possible, do it by calling them on the phone or Matrix where you can both hear and see that person (you can think of it as a much better alternative to Skype). Of course, it may be more intimidating than using only texts. But once you release the intimidation or any other negative feelings and emotions that keep you from getting close to them (let me know if you need help with that), you’ll find that it’s also much more rewarding. It’s the only way to form connections on a level that we, human beings, naturally desire.

Conclusion

As aptly said in the video “Delete Facebook” linked above, “What Facebook is to emotional/social fulfilment, is what porn is to emotional/sexual fulfilment. Nothing beats the real thing.” I believe this is true for any social networks when you use nothing but text-based messages and photos to try to fulfil the desire to connect with others on a deep level. Social media are good for many things, but not this one. Instead, clean up what’s inside you and show them who you really are: during a call or, even better, in person. Sometimes, it’s better to disconnect so that you can connect with people who are important.

Update (30 December 2016): Another major reason for my reluctance to use Facebook is its privacy policies, which I find unsatisfactory. In addition, after careful consideration, I’ve decided to delete my account. What I experienced after that is shared in the post The path to abundance and peace: my major shifts in 2016.